You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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