tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
