My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
