I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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