I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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