my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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