Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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