if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
