TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
