I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
