1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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