I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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