mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
