Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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