I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
3pm strippers are depressing
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
