Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I need to align my fucking chakras
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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