I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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