You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
