Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
