If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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