I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
