hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So vagazzling was a success
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize