matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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