At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize