i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
