I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
