I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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