The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
