Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
