what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
