He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
