I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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