Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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