I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I AM VODKA MAN
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
