also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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