I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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