i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
