Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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