I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
