I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
