she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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