Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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