I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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