it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize