I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
