I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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