Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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