ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Someone shit on the floor
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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