I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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