I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
