the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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