I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
