How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
