Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Your cock deserves a montage
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
