I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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