Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
