so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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