Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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