i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
