You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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