Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
